Honestly
by Mara Jade Jedi
Summary: SG1 can tell only the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help them God. Subsequently madness ensues.


**[Disclaimer - not mine, so please do not sue me.]**

**A/n I'm not entirely sure where this has come from, I guess I'm just trying to avoid doing any number of things that I SHOULD be doing. Oh well, this is so much more fun: D**

**Oooh….except part of the concept is inspired by the film Liar, Liar…it'll make sense eventually…I hope!**

**Enjoy**

**The Trouble with Honesty**

Colonel Jack O'Neill was tired. So very tired. He sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for Doc Frasier to come and poke him full of holes with those Big, Honking Needles she seemed to love so much. Once she finally got around to him (it was really only a five minute wait but this was O'Neill it seemed like hours).

"Hello Colonel, how are you feeling?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine, Doc" he mumbled tiredly, before continuing. "Actually, you know what, I'm not fine. I'm tired, I'm dirty, I'm hungry, I've spent the last few days on some, god forsaken planet full of trees, sitting and doing nothing while Carter collected dirt and Danny looked at rocks, for cryin' out loud. HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? And not only that but the last thing I want, or need is you sticking me full of the biggest needles you can possibly find." With that he jumped off the bed and stormed out, muttering something about not wanting to be sedated. Frasier stood there, slightly taken aback before finally deciding he just needed to let off some steam. She'd done all the tests she needed to do anyway.

Glancing quickly at the sign on the locker room door and noting that the sign was switched to males he walked in; paying absolutely no attention to whomever was in the shower he walked to his locker and pulled out his towel and a change of clothes. Stripping down he grabbed his shampoo and stepped into the showers, turning on it on and standing under the powerful jet of hot water. He was finally beginning to relax when someone called out to him, making his entire body tense up.

"Colonel O'Neill?" His head and eyes snapped to the right, to the ethereal visage that was his tall, blonde, blue eyed and most importantly FEMALE Major. 

"Carter?" his voice came out slightly squeaky at the shock of seeing her there.

"What are you-" they both said at the same time. O'Neill carried on

"Carter, you're in the shower. Naked. With me!?"

"Well, duh, Sir, that is what people tend to do when they get in the shower." She replied, rolling her eyes at him and trying to cover her entire body with only her arms. 

"Not with their CO…" he raised his eyebrows at her.

"I was here first, so technically YOU are in the shower, Naked, with ME!" 

"But it's the Men's; the sign on the door says so."

"Does not!"

"Does too"

"Does Not"

"Too"

"Not"

"Too"

"Not"

With each word they were getting gradually closer and closer until they were stood almost on top of each other.

"Too"

"Not"

"WOAH, Jack, Sam…" they were interrupted by a bewildered Daniel Jackson who had walked in on a scene seemingly out of a badly made porn film.

"DANEIL" They both squealed at the same time, trying once again to cover themselves. Daniel quickly grabbed their towels and threw them to them, all the while trying to keep his eyes shut.

"Daniel, this is not what it looks like. As good as Carter looks all naked and…wet…this is not the place where I would want this to be happening, especially with you in here. Jack either didn't care about or didn't notice the shocked looks from the two members of his team. He went on to patiently explain what had happened to him.

"You know I hate to say this Sam, but Jacks right, the sign is switched to Male."

"Damn, well it wasn't when I came in, I remember changing it." She replied. "Well, I'm finished anyway so I'll just get changes and then you can have the shower all to yourselves" she moved behind the lockers, out of their sight to get changed. Jack sighed as soon as she had left.

"And I only just got over the Tank Top fantasies." He hadn't meant to say it out loud and clamped his hand over his mouth, his eyes widening impossibly large.

"You have fantasies about Sam?" Daniel asked, in surprise. 

"Yes." Jack stated, unable to believe he couldn't reply 'No.'

They walked into the briefing room half an hour later, showered and changed to find Teal'c, Carter and General Hammond in there already. They sat down, explaining to General Hammond their inability to lie.

"What about you two?" he asked in his strong, Texan accent, turning to the other half of SG1.

"That would explain what the Colonel said to me when we were in the shower together, but I hadn't noticed it myself." Sam replied, before her expression changed to one of shock as the General looked at her quizzically.

"Indeed, I have not noticed anything to suggest this in my own behaviour." Teal'c informed them.

"Well, I think that Doctor Frasier should take a look at you, see what is causing this." 

"AWWW general do we have to? All Janet's going to do is poke us full of needles and she's gonna want to pump us full of sedatives." The Colonel butted in.

"I believe that having Doctor Frasier take a look at us would be advisable." Teal'c added, saying more in those two sentences than he had for the several years that they had known them. He had a weird glint in his eye that suggested there was a different meaning to 'take a look at us' than what everyone else meant.

"Ooookay…." Was all a stunned O'Neill could say while Hammond coughed loudly to grab their attention. They set off for the Infirmary, a trail of people with General Hammond at the front, Daniel and Teal'c next and Sam and Jack bringing up the rear, falling back slightly as they walked. 

"You want to know something amusing Carter?" he asked her, deciding to share his train of thought with her as they walked.

"Yeah, sure you betcha." she replied, adding "Sir" almost as an afterthought.

"You know that time, when Hathor tried to take over the base?" she nodded "she called General Hammond 'You with the crown of marble.'" Carter snorted a laugh at that, unable to stop herself from laughing at the amazingly accurate description. 

"Sir, what made you tell me that?" she asked after she finished dieing of laughter.

"Cause I thought it would make you smile and you're Beautiful when you smile." He said it as if it were the most natural thing, though Carter blushed and smiled slyly.

"I could say the same thing about you, when you're wet." She told him, all thoughts of secrecy and regulations blown away. He raised an eyebrow at her 

"Screw the regs?" he asked her. Before she could complete the movement of nodding he had stopped and pressed her against the wall, kissing her passionately, with the force of years of unresolved sexual tension. 

General Hammond walked into the infirmary to find Janet Frasier about to come looking for them. After a brief explanation she nodded, telling them what she had found.

"After doing an analysis of the blood samples taken during their post-mission physical I fund abnormally high amounts of certain hormones in their bodies. Two of these in particular where present in phenomenally high levels. One is the Primary ingredient of truth serums, the other is a hormone that is often produced when people drink alcohol and it cause people to loose the majority of their inhibitions." At that moment, as if to prove her point an agitated Teal'c darted forward and swept up Janet Frasier, bringing her up to his level and proceeding to attempt a vigorous make-out session.

Daniel and Hammond stood there, jaws on the floor before another thought finally found its way into the shock induced stupor Dr Jackson was in.

"Where are Jack and Sam?" Frasier had finally persuaded Teal'c to put her down, though she'd had to promise to continue later (not that she was completely against the idea…)

"As with most Hormones once the effecter, which causes it to be produced, is remove the levels should begin to return to normal, although it may take a few days."

**Three days later**

Once again sat in the briefing room the four members of SG1 shuffled uncomfortably in their seats.

"As we are certain that the effects of whatever it was on P3X 457 are out of your systems you will be returning to active duty. Are there any problems with that? NO…good. As for your actions during this time nothing will happen as you were under the influence of an alien substance." 

During the last three days SG1 had continued to pretty much wreak havoc wherever they went. Jack and Sam had been found in an empty storage room, eventually where they had been getting VERY intimate for several hours. Teal'c had finally let Janet go when she promised him that they WOULD continue but at the moment she was needed to attend to SG11, who had run into a few Jaffa. He and Dr Jackson had then run around the base, causing trouble and telling people the gods' honest truth about, well…everything. It had turned out that not only was Teal'c a huge Star Wars fan but so was Daniel, though he kept it quite, his reputation as a geek was bad enough as it was. This lead to an impromptu sword fight throughout the corridors of the SGC with plastic lightsabers. Come on people - Teal'c and Daniel?) Once Jack and Sam had disengaged themselves from each other they had found their own Lightsabers and all four of them had started a mass duel, running around and making _vwoom, vwoooom_ sounds, though the two air force officers often got distracted. They'd ordered large numbers of the staff to participate in the Macarena. 

They did, in all fairness manage to get a bit of work done but, with virtually no inhibitions or fear of reprimand they were distracted easily. It also turned out that one of the lesser hormones gave them childish impulse, which they acted on.

They had succeeded in terrifying the majority of the bases' staff over the three days and Hammond was relieved it was over.  

"What is it colonel?" in the briefing room still, though Teal and Daniel had left the Colonel and the Major remained behind and were, he was surprised to see holding hands…

"Erm…general erm….Sam" _Sam?_ "And I are kinda gonna be seeing each other and if that's a problem then well I'm gonna retire but I'd really rather not…" The colonel said it all rapidly, with one breath and Hammond inspected them shrewdly. He'd seen this coming and had spoken, briefly to the president about it.

"Very well, keep it off base and on-world, don't let it interfere and it's as if its not there. Congratulations, son."

They stood there slightly stunned as the General left but then shrugged and wandered off on search of some blue jello. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Et voila!

I'm just gonna point out that the medical stuff is complete crap, that I made up and stuff.

You will, now go and review for me……GO, DO IT, I AM YOUR GOD….okay so I'm not but, I plan on being it soon….:D:D:D

REVIEW!!


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